Love the way you lie

I don't know how to make him understand how he's hurting me. Ive gotten to the point I don't know what to do, I don't know if its worth staying just so we can fight all the time and he can run to someone else. It scares me because I love him so much but its like he doesn't care how anything affects me or my son anymore.  In the beginning of our relationship he complained that I made it all about me but now he's making it all about him.  This past year has royally sucked but I haven't been able to vent and let it all out all I can do is bottle everything up because I don't want to push him away. Between being con'd by a con artist, being evicted from my home, moving in with my drunken mother, getting in a wreck in September, messing up my wrist, having surgery recently, not having a job or money, I don't know how much more I can bottle up.  He complains of big changes for him which just involves not being able to sleep with his 8 year old anymore but he gets unemployment money, he doesn't have his son 24/7 to worry about so at least his son his guaranteed three meals a day at his moms, he has a phone, computer, and a car to leave whenever he wants and most of all he has a family that will help with anything he asks.  I don't have any of that.  I worry every night how I'm going to feed my son the next day and whether or not we have enough, I worry about how I'm going to provide for my son everyday, I don't have a car to just be able to leave whenever I want, and unfortunately I don't have a family who gives a crap about me but does any of that matter...nope.  I'm so tired of fighting, I hate fighting, I had to listen to my parents every night growing up fighting and things being broken and etc and I HATE it. Not only that but I remember everything he ever tells me but last night its like he didn't know I'm seriously TERRIFIED of the dark. He acted like I was being so selfish when I started crying when he left the room but he knows my issues I have with my ptsd and my rape when I was younger. I don't know what to do other than just vent on here right now, I don't have anyone else to talk to that isn't biased. Oh and another thing on the whole change thing he is happily content sitting at home doing nothing except playing WOW and at least that way he gets to converse with other people.  Me on the other hand, (kinda falls back to the no car thing) I'm use to being able to go anywhere I want so I'm not so cooped up, but here I cant do that, I feel like a caged animal. I hated living at my moms house but at least when I was there we all hung out and played cards and just hung out and talked. Yes they may have been a little two faced but ya know what, two faced is better than being ignored.  The happiest night I've had so far since I moved in here was when our cable and internet got shut off.  At least then we had no other choice but to play board games and cards. I've lived my whole life being ignored. No one ever gave two shits about me or what happened to me or how I felt and now that's how I feel again.  I feel like I'm a child all over again and it doesn't help I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around here just like in my childhood. Oh and don't even get me started on the whole favoritism. What he doesn't get is it bothers me so much because it reminds me EXACTLY what my parents did to me and my siblings.  I didn't get crap and got in trouble for everything meanwhile my siblings got whatever whenever they wanted it and got away with everything.  Take Christmas for example. His son got a dagedar set for Christmas among other things and my son got some other stuff and they both had the same amount of presents. Fair right? Afterwards, he wanted to go buy MORE dagedars for his son and yes he let my son pick out one BUT the rest it was all about his son, not "do you think there is anything else ***** would want?" And then here comes their birthdays and his son is getting this and that and we are getting them mutual gifts as well but because his son's present is so expensive I cant buy my son more to make the gifts even. Don't get me wrong, I have no problem buying his sons gifts and everything but once again it reminds me so much of my childhood. And then he tells my son that just like his son mine cant get a xbox360 controller until he is 4 so when I suggest getting him one at 4 he says he doesn't think he'll be quite old enough...REALLY??? what makes your son so much more mature at 4 that my son isn't? And his son knows he gets whatever he wants and I think that's why he cries when he gets stuff taken away or told no. He has even told me he gets whatever he wants. And then the discipline aspect. His son did something that we had already gotten on to him about earlier today and my son had gotten in trouble and lost his electronics just like our discipline system states but when his son repeatedly does what he isn't suppose to do he still gets to keep playing xbox. And then my fiance says, well you should've said something.  Why? So I can be the bad guy always taking stuff away from both of them? He doesn't get it.....and I don't know how much more I can take. I'm at my breaking point and I cant keep bottling it up and I don't want to lose him but somethings gotta give. I mean, he was talking about getting a new iPhone and giving his 8 year old son his old one, meanwhile I don't have a phone and his son already has an iPod, flat screen TV. every gaming system you can think of AND he's getting a Nintendo 3ds Mario addition for his birthday. I mean REALLY?? The whole point of this smiley system we made with the boys was to make things fair and even but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I just feel like ripping the chart up and saying fuck it and tell him not to ever discipline my son again and I wont discipline his but I know that would never work. And of course I cant tell him any of this because I HATE confrontation and I don't think he believes me because every time I'm trying to calm down he keeps nagging me about whats wrong, its like he WANTS me to blow up.  Sorry you had to read all of this but I just had to get it out. FML

 

Nightmares

I'm ready for the day I don't have to live in fear of the nightmares, I had another one last night. Instead of my usual flashbacks that wake me screaming and crying it was just a dream that had him in it.  His face haunts me daily even with out the flashbacks. I hate this because it's not how I like to start my day. I could hardly sleep the rest of the night and I'm so exhausted...

My childhood

When I was growing up my biological father and mother were very abusive.  When my mother left she met my step father when I was 7years old.  They got married and everything seemed fine at first.  When I was 11 years old I had a nightmare and crawled into bed with my parents thinking I would be safe.  Little did I know I was wrong.  My step father raped me.  Because of how young  I was I had no idea what happened to me.  He continued to molest me for three years.  By the time I figured out what happened my mother was such an oblivious drunk she never paid attention. She often came up with excuses for him and because he was a police officer I didn't think anyone would believe me.  It was later that I found out he did it to not only one of my friends but 5 other girls.  My siblings and I were taken away and placed with my grandparents. Two years later they became too ill to take care of us. We were then separated and placed in foster care. I could sit here all night and tell you my ups and downs in foster care but I wont. I will however say that my second set of foster parents were the best and I still to this day think of them as parents to me.  Since my abuse I have suffered from PTSD and had to deal with it.  My step dad took so much from me.  He gave me HPV which now has caused me cervical dysplasia and several painful miscarriages.  Because of him I can not sleep on my back, in pitch dark or with the bedroom door closed in fear that someone will hurt me again.  I can not get dressed with so much as a sliver of window exposed in fear someone will watch me get dressed just as he did.  What I hope to get out of this is help other girls going through what I went through. Help them cope and go to someone for help without being in fear and if that person is me than well my job is done and I would love to help someone.  I want to help people deal with every day struggles because trust me, it never goes away. You have good days and bad days. I hope by doing this I can help and prevent girls from going through years of abuse like I did.  STAND UP AND SPEAK UP trust me, I know its scary but you have to, not only for yourself but for any other future victims. Thank you for reading this and God Bless